A PERSONAL STORY OF AWAKENING
A PERSONAL STORY
The state of imperfect transformation, merely hoped for and waited for, does not
seem to be one of torment only, but of positive, if hidden, happiness. It is the
state of someone who, in his wanderings among the mazes of his psychic transformation,
comes upon a secret happiness which reconciles him to his apparent loneliness. In
communing with himself he finds not deadly boredom and melancholy but an inner partner;
more than that, relationship that seems like the happiness of a secret love, or like a
hidden springtime, when the green seed sprouts from the barren earth, holding out the
promise of future harvests. It is the alchemical 'benedicta viriditas', the blessed
Kundalini is the essence of Om. When She is awakened, lives which had seemed
commonplace and arid, unenjoyable and frustrated, become gay and flourishing,
filled with sweetness, contentment and delight.
As you continue to meditate, the Shakti will soon open Her hidden
storehouses, and then you will immediately get higher meditation.
When that happens, your true beauty will be revealed. You will come
to know those divine lights that exist inside you. Because of their
existence your fleshly body becomes beautiful; because of their
captivation you feel mutual love for one another.
Chapter 12 - Blessedness
March 1, 2001. I look back in my journal and see a pattern in my dreams that I couldn't see before now: houses being built or remodeled, or new rooms being added or discovered. Everything is being made ready. The rooms are being painted exquisite colours and are designed in interesting shapes with hidden nooks and magnificent views. So much work going on in the dark!
March 20. I waken in the night with the familiar twisting and turning in my solar plexus. My navel feels like it is being pulled towards my spine; I can hardly breathe. I feel as if all the pain in my life is gathered into this spot and sucks me into darkness. I hear a voice say, 'Go into it,' and I feel myself dissolve and then amazingly everything becomes ONE. There is no right or wrong, no good or bad. I rest in this indescribable feeling of unity.
The next day I read these words of Carl Jung: When the libido leaves the bright upper world, whether from choice, or from inertia, or
from fate, it sinks back into its own depths, into the source from which it originally
flowed, and returns to the point of cleavage, the navel, where it first entered the body.
This point of cleavage is called the mother, because from her the current of life reached us.
Whenever some great work is to be accomplished, before which a man recoils, doubtful of his
strength, his libido steams back to the fountainhead...and this is the dangerous moment when
the issue hangs between annihilation and new life. For if the libido gets stuck in the
wonderland of this inner world, then for the upper world man is nothing but a shadow, he
is already moribund or at least seriously ill. But if the libido manages to tear itself
loose and force its way up again, something like a miracle happens: the journey to the
underworld was a plunge into the fountain of youth, and the libido, apparently dead, wakes
to a renewed fruitfulness.
When the libido leaves the bright upper world, whether from choice, or from inertia, or from fate, it sinks back into its own depths, into the source from which it originally flowed, and returns to the point of cleavage, the navel, where it first entered the body. This point of cleavage is called the mother, because from her the current of life reached us. Whenever some great work is to be accomplished, before which a man recoils, doubtful of his strength, his libido steams back to the fountainhead...and this is the dangerous moment when the issue hangs between annihilation and new life. For if the libido gets stuck in the wonderland of this inner world, then for the upper world man is nothing but a shadow, he is already moribund or at least seriously ill. But if the libido manages to tear itself loose and force its way up again, something like a miracle happens: the journey to the underworld was a plunge into the fountain of youth, and the libido, apparently dead, wakes to a renewed fruitfulness.
March 30. Peter calls me early in the morning and tells me that our car was stolen in the night. At first I panic, but then I hear the words, 'Trust me.' Over the next two days, whenever I feel frightened about how I am going to manage without a car, and the wheelchair that was in the car, I feel incredible support from the Goddess. A few days later, I receive a call from a woman in the police department who tells me our car has been found and nothing has been taken from it. She tells me that she suffers from headaches and joint pain and when she heard that I had a wheelchair in the car she was concerned about me. She tells me about a pain clinic nearby which has been helpful for her and she says that they do biofeedback sessions. I have been trying to find a biofeedback practitioner for months, ever since Lawrence Edwards, President of the Kundalini Research Network, told me that it is very helpful for headaches and chronic pain. In my first appointment with Adrienne, she tells me that she, too, was ill for many years and is now running marathons. She is sensitive and life-affirming - just what I need to help me come back into the world.
April 12. I walk four blocks today - farther than I have walked in years. When I get home, I find a note under our apartment door notifying us that the elevator will be shut down nine hours a day for six weeks. I am on the fifth floor and haven't walked up stairs for many years. It seems a sign that I am to get moving.
April 20. Peter and I go for a walk in the forest and through a magnifying glass I discover worlds that I didn't know existed. He shows me the plant Tellima Grandiflora. The older flowers are dark pink and the newest ones coming into bloom are the softest most delicate of pinks. I tell Peter that I, too, feel like I am 'pinking' like a new blossom.
April 24. I am making arrangements for a surprise trip to Los Angeles to see my son, Stephen, perform. He is a gifted singer/songwriter who creates magic on his guitar. I promised myself that when I was strong enough, and he was on the brink of a 'break' in his career, I would fly to wherever he was to see his show. I feel like a new-born baby these days: delighting in everything, seeing everything with new eyes.
After a period of peace, all of a sudden I am gripped with a
fear about money. I don't know where this is coming from.
Although there are factors in my life that could be contributing to my worry, I suspect it goes
deeper that the present situation. I search out one of my favourite quotes from Carl Jung
about money and security. When Jung was asked by a patient why he felt that having a lot of
money leads to feelings of inferiority, he replied:
You lose your security. You have acquired a false security,
and it is this false security on which you live that causes your feeling of inferiority.
One lives wrapped in cotton, protected from the cold and the heat. It is not good never
to be cold or hot. Very few people do anything with money, they are paralyzed.
The Great Separation is here. And each time, the greater is the Nearness, the deeper,
the more terrible is the Separation. Keep crying for Him. Crying endlessly. When I am alone
it seems unbearable. Was wondering what to do, how to help my mind to remember Him all the time.
Then an idea came into my mind: If I could only consciously see Him in everything, as in
moments of Oneness. Absolutely in everything, see Him, literally SEE, then the Absolute
Trust will be here. Absolute Trust; this is the great Grace of God. But the trouble is that
I cannot induce at will those moments of oneness..They come when they want to come..It does
not depend on me.
May 24. I know that a part of me needs to be left behind as I embark on my trip to Los Angeles. I ask the spirits for help, and as the plane leaves the earth I can feel a part of me being pulled out of my body. In the evening, just before I leave to see Steve perform, I have tea with a woman who is staying in the same Bed and Breakfast as I am. She is recovering from a heart operation, and she tells me that she literally died during the operation and was brought back to life. As we talk, I can feel a tremendous weight lift from me, and I know that I am free of a darkness that has been with me for many years. Over the next few days, I feel so alive and every encounter is extraordinary. It is so wonderful spending time with Steve; I feel a Divine Presence guiding everything.
May 29. In the evening when I return home from Los Angeles, I visit the Great Blue Herons who are nesting near our apartment in Stanley Park. Peter and I have been keeping an inventory of their breeding behaviour since they began to build a new colony in March. The Park Board cut down their nest trees in another area of the park, and this is a new start for these birds who have been a presence in this area for a very long time. When I go to the tree where the herons built the first nest, I feel disoriented for I can see no nest in the tree. I look about for signs of the nest or the birds, but I see nothing. As I sit on the ground trying to get my bearings, I hear the swish of wings as an adult heron arrives in the dusk to sit on a branch above a broken limb. When I search the ground, I see bits of twigs and some feathers and I realize that the nest fell down while I was away and must have killed all of the young chicks. I feel stunned at this loss.
The next day, I watch in amazement as this same pair of adults start to gather twigs and begin their courtship ritual in a nearby tree - ready to begin again. This life-affirming act reminds me of the mating dance of the cranes.